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NEWS & ARTICLES
There's few experiences quite like watching Garbage Pail Kids: The Movie. I really, really mean that. Based on the then-popular series of always disgusting and sometimes disturbing trading card sticker sets, the film was almost an unparelleled failure, grossing under 2 million worldwide and becoming what has to be the most univerally panned movie of all time. It's just amazingly bad on every level, and if you've never seen it, believe me when I say that it's thirty times worse than anything you could imagine.
I was eight when the flick was released in 1987, and being heavily into the cards at that point, I couldn't wait to see the adventures unfold on the big screen. My mother took me to the theater one afternoon, and we exited no more than ten minutes into the madness. Quick tip: if you're making movies that are gonna be targeted towards little kids, you may wanna skip any scenes involving alligator monsters eating severed toes out of lunchboxes. The main problem with the Pail Kids' forage into Hollywood isn't that it's a terrible movie. Truly, there's been many commercially successful movies that were largely considered terrible. The folly found here lies in the fact that once you get past the toilet humor and the emphasis on everything scatological, you're left with a movie that few kids wouldn't be pretty damn creeped out by.
The Garbage Pail Kids, now represented in live action by a bunch of midgets in goofy suits, are some of the scariest looking creatures I've seen. Yes, they're supposed to be ugly - that's the gimmick. Still, even though they're portrayed as mostly friendly hero characters, the damn things are so eerie looking that few children were going to enjoy watching their exploits. This is something you'll see in the review down below, but when talking about the movie's massive failure, creepy creature effects were just the tip of the iceberg.
I'm not saying that all kiddie flicks need to have great stories, but it would've done wonders for GPK. When left to their own devices in a futile effort to fill enough time to get the bitch considered as an actual 'feature,' the plot relies on a total onslaught of bad taste: snot, gas, urine, vomit, acne, shit, violence - you name it, it's here in volume. Remember, the cards might've seemed harmless to those of us who collected 'em, but parents hated the things. My elementary school banned them entirely, and the series had quickly established itself as a controversial entity. That's fine for trading cards - kids would manage to get their hands on those no matter what adults thought. The same can't be said for the movie, and I can't think of many mommies and daddies who'd be willing to sit through this even if it wasn't such an obviously bad influence on their kin. The cut version is rated PG, but I'm sure most parents would've preferred that their kids watch the gamut of Elm Street movies before this piece of trash. In fact, the movie left such a bad taste in my mouth, I threw away all my GPK cards the second I got home from seeing the ten minutes of it I could actually stomach. Considering that I was part of their target audience, that's a pretty sad commentary on the finished product. The proof? X-E, an 80s kid culture site with extensive reviews on obscure cartoons and crayons you've never heard of, and yet you'd have a hard time finding more than a paragraph about the legendary Garbage Pail Kids? Don't get me wrong - this is a freakin' gold mine for the bad movie enthusiast, but I don't think the producers were aiming to please a bunch of grown up geeks who'd watch their opus on a poorly dubbed cassette almost two decades later.
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